the fact that people have no idea how much work goes into making a cinnamon roll, and I couldn’t do it without my Candy-Apple Red, 7-quart kneading machine, the fact that where would I be without it, where, the fact that maybe I could make do with a different color 7-quart kneading machine, but I sure couldn’t make all this cinnamon roll dough without some kind of kneading machine, and it wouldn’t be as much fun if it wasn’t Candy-Apple Red, the fact that just the sight of it cheers me up sometimes, the fact that I bet that mixer’s paid for itself by now, or I sure hope so anyway, the fact that these things are so expensive, the fact that some cost thousands, the fact that even floor lamps cost thousands these days, Tastee Apples, the fact that everybody seems to earn six-figure salaries and they all want to spend thousands on a floor lamp but I don’t, the fact that they treat me like Rex the Walkie-Talkie Robot Man, the fact that they have no respect, the fact that this whole household is outta control, ouch, and now Stacy’s frowning at me, the fact that I don’t know what I’ve done wrong this time, the fact that she’s riled by my sweat pants, of all things, the fact that I never know what to wear and Stacy gets so steamed up about it, the fact that she’s probably right but, gee, I’m just trying to be practical here, the fact that there’s no point in dressing up just to caramelize apples, the fact that I dress down instead, the fact that I’m lazy about it, my look, the fact that I’m torn between being comfortable and being presentable, very torn, the fact that half my clothes are torn too, come to think of it, but I still like them, the fact that whatever happened to that Greek or Mexican shirt, the one with all the embroidery, the fact that it was red and white mostly, slot car racing track, the fact that I only got to go to that slot car place once, and that was with a friend’s dad, the fact that Daddy would never take us, the fact that that shirt was nice, the fact that it was just a loose, simple garment, embroidered all over, varmint, and really comfortable, the fact that it was just two squares of cloth sewn together really, with arm holes out the sides and a hole for your head to get through, the fact that sometimes I forget the nice things, not just the bad stuff, and that gets other people down, like Leo, but I can’t help it, catastrophe, enormity, disaster at sea, candy love hearts, Candy-Apple Red mixer, singles mixer, candy corn, camera, Opal and Frederick, the fact that I instantly forget all the stuff we’ve done together as a family, family trips to the zoo or all the fun fairs, slub silk, slug, or the Taft Museum or our visit to the McKinley Mausoleum, oh, those steps, the fact that I remember them all right, wow, the fact that there were over a hundred, with all kinds of people puffing up and down them, the fact that I was scared somebody would have a heart attack climbing up there, and it might have been me, the fact that it’s hard to believe McKinley really wanted a sword-shaped stairway, or even a waterfall, the fact that Marilyn Monroe wore a bra day and night, because her breasts were her livelihood, fiddlehead ferns, fiddlesticks, goose grease, applejack, microfiber cloths, microfiche, Go Fish, Illnesses You Never Heard Of Before, FLORENCE Y’ALL, popcorn balls, cotton, plantations, slaves, Chappaquiddick, Chuck, the Ohio–Kent-ucky–Indiana crotch, crux, tripoint, Purple People Bridge, the fact that a teenager just shot and killed three kids in a high school cafeteria, the fact that a factory blew up in West Columbus, the fact that football players dragged an unconscious girl around naked in Steubenville, peeing on her, the fact that three teenage girls were held captive in Cleveland for a decade, the fact that for fifty plus years, hundreds of thousands of pounds of PFOA were dumped in the Ohio River, even though everybody knew it was harmful from the start, the fact that I bet Aunt Sophia would never have balked at a little old cocktail party, heavens to Betsy no, the fact that she served up big banquets for everybody four times a year, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and Fourth of July, with her special stars-and-stripes paper tablecloth, maybe Labor Day too, the fact that she always served at least six different types of pie, the fact that Leo remembers those feasts, the big spread and a dozen or more family members chowing down until they practically burst, the fact that I wonder what kind they were, the pies I mean, not the relatives, probably apple, cherry, blackberry, pumpkin, lemon meringue, maybe pawpaw, way down yonder in the paw-paw patch , pumpkin patch, Pumpkin Patch kids, Cabbage Patch, the fact that I bet she could make blueberry too, blueberry crumb pie, raspberry, huckleberry, boysenberry, strawberry and rhubarb pie, persimmon, sour cherry pie, mock cherry pie, linzertorte, pear pie, apricot pie, Eskimo Pie, the fact that Eskimos never made Eskimo pie, I don’t think, Inuit ivory duck, walrus, narwhal, the fact that Phoebe had an Eskimo doll, what was his name, the fact that she got him after she had her tonsils out, ice cream, “blacksberries” pie, Kentucky mince pie, angel pie, transparent pie, moon pie, half-moon pie, scooter pie, custard pie, berry custard pie, rice pudding pie, lemon meringue pie, lemon chiffon pie, rum chiffon pie, Key lime pie, Shaker lemon pie, Mississippi mud pie, Jefferson Davis pie, Washington cream pie, Bavarian cream pie, Boston cream pie, Durbin sugar cream pie, sour cream pie, sweet potato pie, pecan pie, bean pie, fudge pie, Eve with a lid on it, the fact that I happen to know Sophia made a very good peach pie, or peach cobbler maybe, in winter-time, with her own canned peaches, the fact that Mark Twain liked pie, everybody likes pie, bean pie, custard pie, Butterscotch pie, buttermilk pie, fudge pie, cookie cake pie, Run for the Roses pie, the fact that I really do need something for breakfast or I’m going to faint, the fact that it’s silly to have nothing but coffee all morning, the fact that Stace reads plenty, the fact that some of it’s assigned, like Winesburg, Ohio, the fact that I don’t know why every kid in Ohio has to read that book but they do, the fact that I think the teachers just like it because Ohio’s in the title, the fact that it’s all about shriveled apples, Brick NJ, Shanksville PA, Alligator Found In Living Room, applehead dolls, Havahart cages, the fact that she also had to read Lord of the Flies and Of Mice and Men and that Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time something or other, but for fun she likes YA books, the fact that her favorite one lately is about a girl detective who can’t drive, skateboards to the crime scene and looks everything up online, the fact that it all starts to feel a bit different once you’re singing to a feverish baby all night, and getting three other kids off to school the next morning, the fact that most of time I don’t feel powerful at all, especially when Stacy puts a “Do Not Resuscitate” sticker on her door, DNR, to go with the “Please Go Away” sign, PGA, PTA, the Potomac, the fact that now there’s the PTO too, which I always thought meant Please Turn Over, apple turnover, popover, poptart, UGRR, orphans, Anne of Green Gables, the fact that in the past nobody had any choice about reproduction, the fact that if you were born, you bred, and you crumbled where you stood, the fact that some guy in Miamisburg shot his wife when she went into labor because he suddenly decided he didn’t want kids, the fact that I’ve got to think about something else, and fast, and not the Romanovs, MYOB, Joan Cusack, backpack, beeswax, bees, sheet cake, sugar highs, bullet wounds, turtle apples, Tastee Apple, the fact that I wonder how many criminals have committed crimes after eating a chocolate turtle apple, because, let’s face it, it’s not just me providing all the sugar highs around here, the fact that I wish Tastee Apple would give me some of their reject apples, the fact that they only use very high-quality apples, hog maw, the fact that Sherwood Anderson makes this big thing about how delicious the wrinkly old apples are, the apples left to wither on the tree after all the perfect specimens have been picked, the fact that what’s he talking about, the fact that I guess it’s like eating those dried apple chips, the fact that they’re okay, they’re not delicious, Winesburg, Waynesburg, Millersburg, Strasburg, Fredericksburg, Frederick, the fact that it’s all symbolic of something or other, I forget what, Sherwood Anderson’s apples I mean, The Master Builder, the fact that we watched that with Stacy during her acting kick, the fact that that Wally Shawn is good, and he translated The Master Builder himself, and directed it and acted in it, the fact that most people make pies just to be nice, but I make them for money, Fort Knox, Las Vegas at night, main drag, dollar bills floating down from the sky, the fact that Robert Livingston was nearly shipwrecked but survived, and then he ended up being a great help with the Revolution, so I guess he deserved that mansion, Margaretville, Woodstock, Saugerties, Tastee Apple, the fact that it was two floors originally, the fact that they added another floor later, with all the gables, the fact that Leo and I saw it one winter’s day, the white house, white snow, black tree trunks, the fact that I saw a whole corncob made of candy corn once, the fact that I don’t know what was holding it together, the fact that it looked like Indian corn, sort of, the fact that maybe the middle was marshmallow, the fact that you can cover a candy apple with candy corn, like a pomander, the fact that kids used to just buy their costumes for Hallowe’en, but now they make their own more, I think, well, around here at least, the fact that last Hallowe’en we didn’t just get ghosts and goblins and cowboys and Indians, the fact that we got bats, angels, cats in tutus, chainsaw-massacre boys, a kid wearing a suit backwards, a mini-Mozart, a Grecian goddess, Roman centurions, a dinosaur, a gorilla, a bear, fairy princesses, Darth Vader, the fact that trick-or-treaters don’t come as much as they used to though, now that everybody’s so scared of kidnappers and jihadists and razor blades in the apples, Tastee Apples, the fact that we only visit the houses that have jack-o’-lanterns outside, and we went really early last time, before it was dark, which isn’t as much fun, the fact that Ben was a pirate, Jake was a milkman, and Gillian was a squirrel, the fact that her fuzzy tail was a big problem, because she couldn’t hold it up and other kids kept stepping on it, the fact that apples’n’onions were Almanzo’s favorite thing as a boy, the fact that I make that, the fact that it’s a good way to use up the leftover apples, log cabin, the fact that first you caramelize the onions and then you add big chunks of apple, flavor it with cinnamon and cloves, and let it simmer a few more minutes, until the apples are soft but not mush, the fact that the kids like apples’n’onions, the fact that I’m just starting to like cloves again myself, the fact that I overdosed on cloves when we made those pomanders for Christmas, the fact that that was the Christmas right before Mommy got sick, the fact that ever since then the smell of cloves, the fact that we suddenly decided to make this whole load of pomanders as Christmas presents for people, the fact that you know you’ve goofed when the fruit flies start to appear in the middle of winter, but with all these apple peelings everywhere, the fact that the way to get rid of fruit flies is you put some vinegar in a glass with maybe a piece of fruit or a bit of lemon peel, cover it with Saran wrap and make a teeny hole in the top, just big enough for fruit flies to climb in, the fact that once they get in they can never figure out how to get out, the fact that they don’t want to leave anyway, since they like the vinegar so much, Grandma’s bobbled glasses, bugs in the night, fried ants, the fact that America has invented a lot of desserts, and adopted a million from elsewhere, apple brown betty, apple turnovers, apple popovers, tarte tatin, the fact that I don’t even like tarte tatin anymore, I’ve had to taste too many, Danish and donuts, or “life preservers,” malasadas dois, sopapillas, pecan kringle, cinnamon rolls, cinnamon rolls with buttermilk icing, griddlecakes, fritters, crepes Suzette, muffins, lollypops, chocolate eclairs, Jell-O, milky Jell-O, Jell-O jigglers, shingle with a shimmy and a shake, fruit cups, ice cream, sorbet, sherbet, sherbert, frozen yogurt, hot fudge sundaes, invented in Evanston, banana splits, invented in, somewhere, Latrobe, Pennsylvania, Bananas Foster, banana pudding, sour cream fluff, parfaits, Lady Finger custard, fudge, hot fudge sundaes, cherry cobbler, peach cobbler, peach and raspberry cobbler, blackberry cobbler, marshmallow fluff, Football Field dessert, Christmas logs, Good Humor man popsicles, the fact that we had a Good Humor man in Evanston, the fact that the company started up in Youngstown, Ohio, in 1910, rum baba, Montmorency cherries from Michigan, ground cherries, fox grapes, spiced peaches, crab apple jelly, watermelon, huckleberries, puddings, hot fudge sundaes, hot fudge pudding, bread pudding, butterscotch pudding, Indian pudding, Spanish pudding, Ozark pudding, floating island pudding, Mexican chocolate pudding, tomato pudding, Indiana persimmon pudding, corncrackers’ pudding, fiesta corn pudding, rice pudding, tapioca pudding, fish eyes, the fact that Daddy liked tapioca pudding, snow pudding, Ohio pudding, sweet potato pudding, prune whip pudding, Nesselrode pudding, corn pudding squares, Amish baked oatmeal, flan, Dutch pancakes, sweet noodle kugel, bombes, mousses, chocolate fondue, Kahlua soufflé, blancmange, butterscotch brownies with chopped nuts, caramel fondant, parfaits, and candy, maple syrup and maple sugar candy, penny candy, toffee, molasses, gum drops, gum balls, bourbon balls, wine gums, peppermint creams, lollypops, cotton candy, butterscotch, toffee apples, candied apples, potato candy, hoarsbreath candy, Amish caramel corn, divinity fudge, sugared almonds, maple walnut creams, peanut brittle, jelly beans, saltwater taffy, bubble gum, Milky Ways, Hershey’s Kisses, peppermint sticks, licorice, and candy corn, and to wash it all down, we’ve got iced tea, Mississippi ice tea, applejack, O.J., lemonade, malted milk, the fact that making a tarte tatin is a delicate chemical process, the fact that I don’t know how I got into this baking business, except that we needed the money, and we still do, working mom, the fact that tartes tatin don’t really pay, pay their way, all work and no play, but people kept asking me why I wasn’t selling them, so I finally got up the nerve to go to Schumaker Farms, the fact that we always get our pumpkins and Indian corn there for Hallowe’en, the fact that they were nice about it and all but they didn’t need any pies, the fact that they only sell their own stuff, the fact that they’ve been selling only their own stuff since 1806, the fact that then I asked Zara at the farmer’s market, but she didn’t have room left on her stand, because she always has about a million buckets of apples, all different kinds, some big, some tiny, and gallon bottles of apple cider on ice, the cloudy kind, and dried Michigan cherries and apricots, the fact that a whole lot of water dripped on us, I remember, while we talked, from the awning, and I was scared I’d get Legionnaires’ disease, the fact that to top it off, I upset a Mount Fuji of Fuji apples, Johnny Appleseed, the fact that Johnny Appleseed planted all the orchards of Ohio, or a lot of them anyway, Longaberger apple basket, buckeye, redwinged blackbirds, the fact that blackbirds eat all the Ingallses’ corn and oat crops, so in return the Ingallses eat blackbird pie, the fact that I’d prefer blacksberries pie, four and twenty blackbirds, baked in a pie , the fact that Laura thinks they won’t have the money now to send Mary away to blind school, because of the blackbirds eating all the crops, but Pa sells the heifer calf, so Mary’s dress with the flared sleeves goes into the trunk after all, and off she goes on the train, apples’n’onions, the fact that Zara said I should try to sell the pies to restaurants and I’d make more money that way, the fact that I started sounding a few restaurants out about it, kind of reluctantly, and then got in with Andy, the fact that they now take two dozen a week, which take four days to make, the fact that it can take a whole day just to make six or eight, and now I’ve got all these other places too, the fact that apples are pretty much in season all year round now, since they just get them from Peru or someplace if there aren’t any ripe enough in America, the fact that I don’t know if Cathy would approve of me using non-American apples, but she’s never asked, Peruvian gold mine, slave labor, medieval conditions, Dickensian, Zola, tourist destinations, Aruba, beach resorts, terrorists, terrorist destinations, the fact that Shirley MacLaine should never have taken that part in Being There, big mistake, but everybody’s gotta eat, the fact that the pies now pay their way, I think, but nobody’s going to be moving into a mansion any time soon on the strength of them [tot 142 / 816]

stem: lucy ellmann
perspectief: the fact that apples are pretty much in season all year round now
titel:
bron: ducks, newburyport (2018)
mopw: meerstemmige encyclopedie / appel